


Coley Taylor is Okay

by leviathanchronicles



Series: TMoCP Character Studies [2]
Category: The Miseducation of Cameron Post - Emily M. Danforth
Genre: F/F, Gen, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Religious Conflict, it's coley so be prepared for all that comes with her, read the a/n tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-12 21:28:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15349119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leviathanchronicles/pseuds/leviathanchronicles
Summary: Here’s what happened: Cameron was too confident in her sexuality, too confident in everything--hubris, it’s called, that’s what Cameron’s problem was. And Coley was a teenager struggling to fit into the world, and Cameron took advantage of that.(Coley was terrified of her sexuality from the very day she found herself daydreaming about a classmate’s manicured hand resting on her thigh. Coley was a teenager struggling to fit into the world, and Cameron helped her explore that world.)





	Coley Taylor is Okay

**Author's Note:**

> ooh boy i have a lot to say here we go  
> 1\. i wrote this after getting home from an 8 hour shift at 1 am. editing did not happen. i'll try to fix any obvious mistakes as soon as i can.  
> 2\. i was fortunate enough to see the tmocp movie at a film festival back in may! it was so so so good, and i recommend you watch it if you're able to.  
> 3\. coley is...such an interesting character. what she does is very bad and very unfair; however, she's also a scared girl dealing with internalized homophobia. this story isn't intended as an excuse or explanation, but rather an exploration of her character.

Here’s what happened: Cameron Post manipulated and tricked Coley Taylor.

_ Coley Taylor wanted to kiss girls long before Cameron Post even looked at her. _

Here’s what happened: Cameron was too confident in her sexuality, too confident in everything--hubris, it’s called, that’s what Cameron’s problem was. And Coley was a teenager struggling to fit into the world, and Cameron took advantage of that. 

_ Coley was terrified of her sexuality from the very day she found herself daydreaming about a classmate’s manicured hand resting on her thigh. Coley was a teenager struggling to fit into the world, and Cameron helped her explore that world. _

Here’s what happened: When Coley turned Cameron in, it was because she wanted to save Cameron. One needs to look out for the people they care about, to keep them off the wrong path.

_ She wanted to save herself; no one was looking out for her, keeping her off the wrong path. No one except herself. _

Coley is bright and happy and perfect; she gets good grades, and she joins extracurriculars, and everyone expects her to be valedictorian, prom queen, head cheerleader. Coley knows she has no reason to worry about her future, because it is also bright and happy and perfect.

_ Coley sleeps curled around a pillow; when she lays on her side, she can feel her own pulse against the thin mattress. Sometimes, it keeps her awake, that steady reminder of how her heart works to keep her alive and bright and happy. Usually, she can slide her arm up until the feeling dissipates. Sometimes, though, she still hears her heartbeat in her ears. _

She’d been wary about writing to Cameron, but everybody insisted; it’d be healing, they said, for her to acknowledge her faults. And anyways, it would likely benefit Cameron, as well--maybe she would see what her actions did, how they hurt people, and maybe she would work towards change.

_ Coley doesn’t really want Cameron to change, but it’s too late to make a difference. And anyways, Coley needs to stop letting her selfish desires get in the way of what is holy, because it is an entirely selfish soul that wants Cameron to come home and kiss her in a dimly lit room. Or a brighter room, or the middle of a crowded street--where everyone can see. _

So she writes a letter on pink stationary and mails it off; she doesn’t expect a response.

_ It still kind of hurts when she doesn’t get one; she’d wanted some sort of validation, some sort of forgiveness. She makes up excuses; maybe the letter never even got to God’s Promise, maybe Cameron isn’t allowed to write back, maybe the post office messed things up. _

The same people that told her to write to Cameron warn her when Cameron comes home at Christmas. Christmas that year is strange; she finds herself thinking about Cameron’s aunt’s wedding --

_ \-- about Cameron in a fitted dress -- _

\-- about the way light filters into the church, about the hard pews with cushions that make no difference, about everything except Jesus being born to die for their sins.

_ She’s grown very, very tired of thinking about her sins. _

Coley goes back to school, back to normal.

_ Cameron goes back to school, back to ... _

A few months later, she gets a job scooping ice cream. It’s okay; the uniform is cute (in a dorky sort of way), and boys flirt with her (“Give me something as sweet as you?”). 

_ Sometimes she thinks girls are flirting with her, and then she reminds herself that girls are just nice. Sometimes she wishes they weren’t so nice. Sometimes she’s glad they are. _

One day in April, a trio of teenagers she loosely recognizes, from youth group or school or something, comes into the shop. She’s busy washing dishes, so her coworker takes the order. She hates washing dishes; she hasn’t mastered the sink yet, so she always ends up completely covered in water.

“Hey, did you hear about Cameron Post?” One of the teens asks--it’s clear that he isn’t talking to her coworker, but she doesn’t look up from the dishes. He continues on. “Apparently she’s missing. Ran off from, you know, the place, and they don’t know where she is.”

_ People always love to ask her about Cameron, but for some reason, they stumble over the words ‘conversion camp.’ _

She grimaces, but turns it into a bright smile as she turns around. She should say something, she knows, so she makes a show of glancing into the ice cream bins. “I’m going to refill the chocolate ice cream. You guys enjoy your cones!” She doesn’t bother with drying her hands; she steps into the walk-in freezer with soaked arms and lets the door shut before her.

_ The water on her skin starts to freeze almost immediately; at first it hurts, but then she can’t even feel it. She can see her breath when she sighs, warm air condensing into ice. Her fingers curl in on themselves, and her shoulders shake, and she doesn’t know if this is a reaction to the temperature or to the news she’s just received.  _

She can’t find the chocolate ice cream. Usually it’s right at the front, but it isn’t there.

_ She turns her head as soon as she sees it; she isn’t ready to go back out. _

She needs to find the ice cream so she can get back to work.

_ Where would Cameron go? Where could she go? Is she alone? Is she scared? _

_ Coley is alone. Coley is scared. She wants Cameron here, and home, and safe.  _

It’s amazing, how quickly the freezer finds any source of water.

_ She closes her eyes and tries to breath; her tears almost burn, as painful as the freezer, only hot instead of freezing. _

She finally finds the ice cream and triumphantly returns to the front of the store--the empty store, the trio of teenagers long gone. Her coworker glances at her but doesn’t mention how long she took. She defends herself anyways. “Couldn’t find it, haha.”

_ With the air conditioning, it takes a while for all the feeling to return to her arms. She wishes the freezer had the same effect on her brain. _

From that moment on, Coley finds herself seeing Cameron everywhere; she’s shopping, she’s in the parade, she’s walking by the ice cream shop. 

_ She’s on the edge of Coley’s peripheral vision, she’s smiling in Coley’s dreams, she’s basking in Coley’s smile. _

She never actually sees Cameron again.

_ She wishes she did. _

Here’s what happens: she meets a cute boy when she goes off to college. The first time he kisses her, it’s good.

_ The first time they go further, it isn’t bad. _

Here’s what happens: they get married after graduation. He’s kind, and he’s a hard worker, and he’s a good Christian man. They go to church every Sunday, and they volunteer, and they have three kids.

_ She loves the kids more than she loves him, but that’s just because she’s their mother. _

Here’s what happens: Coley Taylor is okay.

_ Coley Taylor is numb.  _

**Author's Note:**

> anyways, this is a series now! i intend to write more of these (hopefully more often); if there's a certain character you'd like to see me try my hand out, let me know!
> 
> as always, if you like what i do here, check out the links on my profile! or just leave me some sweet kudos/comments! they make me want to keep writing <3


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